About Mental Health and Shame

Today is World Mental Health Day and I feel compelled to join the conversation. Maybe a tweet? A comic strip? A photo of short proverb handwritten in fancy script? I want to share something, but I find myself feeling hesitant. As happy as I am that people are becoming more open about discussing mental health, I can’t help but feel shame about my own struggles. I didn’t realize how much shame I’ve been carrying until I heard myself speaking to my therapist. I didn’t call it shame until a minute ago, when I felt scared to admit that I have a therapist.

Over the last few years, I’ve grown comfortable admitting that I battle anxiety and depression. It’s always a quick general statement, immediately followed by something light hearted and easy to digest. I battle with anxiety and depression…but I listen to music…but I make take personal days…but I [insert generic self-care method here]. I don’t get too deep. I don’t talk about the crying fits, dark thoughts, existential panic attacks, or the overwhelming guilt that keeps me isolated from family and friends for weeks at a time.  I don’t share the ugly.

This year, I decided to take control of my mental health. It took a lot of trial and error. A few failed attempts at seeking help, one racist therapist, and a couple of good psychologist sessions later, I finally found a therapist who’s a match for me. Though I am proud of myself for taking steps to better my mental health, I hate that I keep it a secret.

Therapy has helped me dig for answers within myself. Why am I ashamed of seeking help? I think because I am afraid of judgment. I’m afraid of being the only person I know who hurts like I hurt. I am afraid of not being understood.

Seeing everyone share their personal stories today is proving my fears wrong. I’m not alone. Neither are you. It’s interesting how much many of us struggle with mental health yet function as if we don’t. Shame has no place in self-care, yet here it is….all uninvited and shit.  

I’m learning a lot of things in therapy, including how to shake off the shame. So far, the most valuable lessons are:

• • Second guess the BS depression tells you

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• • Change is inevitable

• • Be compassionate to yourself (really trying to achieve this)

• • It’s ok to be mad

• • It’s ok to be mad at someone you love, even if the reason happened long ago

• Crying is not weakness

To my fellow fighters out there, keep fighting. You are so worth it, you have no idea.